God is not real. Its plain and simple. He is not real.

I've been totally fucked. And not one of those temporary things where I feel bad emotionally for awhile. No. Like physically sick. But it's funnier than that. I don't appear sick on the outside, until I try to move. It's like someone is  playing a game. Lets make it so that David can do basically whatever he wants, but make it really hard for him. Maybe there is a God then, but certainly not a God of love and care as the bible states. People say look back and Job, look at the suffering he went through and was blessed many times over, then the same people want to claim God doesn't heal anymore the way he did in the New Testimate. Sounds like a bunch of crap to me. Claim one part is still valid, while another is not. Seems to just be an easy way to explain away why things do not happen.

This has changed my outlook on life. What is the point of conforming and having a regular job in a regular city like a regular person. None of that shit matters. I should just go where ever I want for as long as I can, and when it's over, it's over. Now if I could just figure out where that was.

1/31 218 Days into this

I have lost everything and a blink of eye. It’s fucking bullshit. I was reviewing some of early 2013. I ran a 10k at 6:11 pace in April. I ran a half marathon in May in under 1 hour 30 minutes. I was in good fucking shape. I was eating well, taking care of my body. Eating a lot of fish and chicken with vegetables. I just got a promotion at work. I was killing it. Just got accepted into part time MBA school at UT. I was in the  process of working on a start-up with real interest from real investors. What the fuck happened?

Earlier in the month I went golfing with the guys, Helped the friends with their new jet ski, took the intern out for a movie at lunch, I  was happy. What the fuck happened?

They say God is good. They say we are made in his image. That he loves us more than any earthly father. That he  is love. That he wont give us more than we can deal with. Well where is this God now? He has  let  me go on for months in pain, in anguish. I don’t want this life anymore. I DON’T WANT THIS FUCKING LIFE ANYMORE.

I would have rather died in the hospital. Things would certainly be easier for me now. I can’t work towards anything that I once wanted to. I just want to be normal again. I want to be able to function without struggling. I am not happy anymore. Everything is bitter and tasteless. Life is pointless and a waste of time. We amass great fortunes but still die. Who gives a shit? Why struggle through it all as a normal person, let alone when things get even more difficult.

I hate me. I hate what I’ve become. I hate that I cannot function as I used to. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t see normal anymore. I cannot walk normal. I cannot use the  right  side of my body normal anymore. Fuck this! It all looks okay from the outside I say, I push through. It doesn’t work. I am a hard worker, I’ve tried to get better. I’ve given it what I have got, and no relief. I don’t want to try anymore. I refuse to live a life full of struggle and being unfulfilled by knowing what I could have been and how it all got robbed from me for no reason I put on to myself. There is no lesson to be learned here. I wasn’t driving to fast, or doing drugs, or some obvious thing that leads to destruction.  No, I took a nap on the couch and woke up later in the day not walking straight.

I don’t even look forward to going  back to Austin. I only want to get back to being normal. To feeling okay. To feeling and talking normal. It’s not happening, it’s not going to happen. I tried to remain  positive for a long time. I will will myself better. I didn’t do any good. I will medidate and pray myself better. I didn’t happen.

They say God created the heavens and the earth by  speaking them into life. They say God listens to our prayers. I have been praying almost non-stop, my friends have been praying and petitioning on my behalf. Its not happening. Nothing is happening. Come on. If this is true  then make it happen. When I end this life maybe it is murder, its certainly not suicide, because I am not killing David. David died over the summer. I am killing just the shadow of a body that remains.

Well other people have it worst, screw them. It sucks to be them. For whatever reason I guess they are okay floating through life not doing shit. I am not okay with that. I want to do things. I want people to think I am smart, funny, creative, fun. I cant be those things anymore. I don’t want to lay around it just get compassion from people fuck that. Such a good life all ruined. All covered in black and blue. So much potential that has been wasted

The only question is what sort of a bang do I go out in? Do I blow all my cash until I crash some where? One last trip – all around the world to all those places I’d like to see? Who knows Japan, Australia, Africa, the Middle East, South America. Go until I am either done or until I am gone. I have around $40k in the bank I can last off. That could give me a good few months of traveling, over trying to figure it out. At least then I would die experiencing a lot more than other  people. I would have accomplished something with this life, even if it wasn’t what I had originally set out to do.

It really hurts my old girl friend doesn’t even reach out anymore. I just want to lay next to her and cry. I want to lay next to someone and cry.  What the fuck. Why cant this be fixed. I have been going out and reading her text messages. She has moved on. She has found comfort in a new lovers arms. It is so fucking painful. It makes me wonder if what we even had was true. I shouldn’t read her texts. It kills me, but its like the last thing I have to hold on to her.

I cannot stand my mother, and her selfish being. I swear she is demon possessed, and have thought this for years. So fucking focused on herself. She sat in that hospital room eating in front of me when I hadn’t had anything in days. She couldn’t be the bigger person and reconcile with my gf so that I could see her. She talked in front of me all the possible terrible things I might have. What the fuck  is her problem? Even today she brings up people that are having problems and surgeries? WHAT THE FUCK? Is your point? I don’t  care unless some how its going to get me better. I just want her to shut the fuck up. I cant stand even looking at her. She harassed my doctors about her problems. What is her problem. Leave them the fuck alone.

Does anyone have any ideas where I can go to get away? To just forget it? To finally have some peace?